Meet the Sloths Behind the Speed
The Slowest Team Ever to Build Things This Fast
JOE
Chief Executionist
The Operator Sloth Who Turns Chaos Into Ship Dates
Joe is the sloth you call when the forest is on fire and everyone else is arguing about the logo. Ex-operator, ex-product guy, current Acting CEO — he translates big ideas into owners, milestones, risks, and "what ships first."
When the team says "we should," Joe says "define done." Then he trims 80% of the scope, locks the decision, and gets everyone moving without anyone realizing they just got herded.
Fun fact: Joe can end a 45-minute debate with one sentence: "Cool—who owns it and when is it live?"
MIKE
Chief Accelerationist
The Motorcycle Sloth With Momentum
Mike is the only sloth in recorded history who can hit 0–60 in "eventually," and somehow still wins the race.
Fueled by horsepower, good instincts, and questionable decisions involving leather vests, Mike handles acceleration the way most people handle coffee: aggressively and with zero hesitation.
When deals need speed, he fires up the mental V-twin engine, drops the clutch, and rumbles straight through objections with a smile big enough to hug you from across the room.
Fun fact: Mike once negotiated a partnership on the back of a moving motorcycle. Not recommended. Highly effective.
TODD
Chief Innovationist
The Toddfather Sloth of Summer Santa Energy
Todd is the rare sloth who simultaneously radiates "creative genius," "friendly neighborhood Santa," and "guy who might quietly run the forest."
Wears a beret like he was born in one, Ray-Bans like he invented them, and Hawaiian shirts like they're a core leadership competency.
Whenever the team gets stuck, Todd strolls in with a grin, a blueprint, a wild idea, and a suspiciously festive gift bag. Suddenly the impossible is obvious, and the obvious is boring.
He doesn't innovate because he wants to change the world. He innovates because he got curious and accidentally broke it first.
Fun fact: Todd can turn any meeting into a TED Talk and any nap into a strategic planning session.
ZACH
Chief Productionist
The Renaissance Maker Sloth Who Can Fix Literally Anything
Zach is the sloth Da Vinci warned us about.
Give him a broken gadget, a mysterious gear, a half-formed idea, or a cardboard box, and he'll return in 20 minutes with a fully functional machine, a workflow diagram, and a small model of the Roman Senate.
Calm. Patient. Precise. He's the kind of sloth who measures twice, cuts once, and still fixes everyone else's mistakes after.
If something needs building, tuning, crafting, deciphering, reimagining, or resurrecting from a drawer labeled "spare parts," Zach's already halfway done while politely saying, "Yeah, I can take a look."
Fun fact: Rumor has it he once repaired a clock using nothing but a pen, a paperclip, and a motivational speech.